The Pirates Would Win, I Tell You!! The Pirates!!!!

The time has come to consider the age-old question that was once important to us all, and probably still is, although you may have forgotten about it; it is, of course, "Who would win in a fight? Pirates, or Ninjas?"

The answer that I hear time after time from my classmates is, "the Ninjas".

THIS IS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WRONG, I TELL YOU!!!!!!!!! WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!!!!!!!!!!

I believe that this widespread delusion is due to several factors, which I will list below, in order of influence.

1. Gamer Misconception Syndrome - This disease causes people who play many video games to think that liberties the games take with history are factual. Since there are many games about Ninjas, this syndrome runs rampant in the Pirate-Ninja debate. Many Ninja advocates cite such ludicrous reasons as...

-Ninjas can turn invisible. Not true. They are merely good at hiding.

-Ninjas can take superhuman amounts of punishment. No. They are just wiry guys in black jumpsuits.

-Ninjas can jump five times their height, and fall twice that distance without getting hurt. Nuh-uh. They're just people.

-Ninjas can climb up walls and stick to ceilings. Maybe, but only with big clunky climbing spikes.

-Ninjas can disappear into thin air. No. That's just stupid.


2. Poor knowledge of history - In addition to their video-game fueled false knowledge, Ninja Advocates often have a lack of real knowledge about ninjas. I happen to have that knowledge - for instance, Ninjas, like their white-robed Samurai counterparts, would commit ritual suicide at the drop of a hat. They were solitary agents, operating in, at most, groups of three. They did have spectacular weapons, but nothing magical.

3. Ninja Charisma - Ninjas just have a certain mystique that clouds the judgement of ninja advocates. Actually, they are pretty cool. Maybe they would win... stop that! *slaps himself*

An here's why the Pirates would win.

-This confrontation would not be a video game - the teams would not be evenly matched in number at the start. If this actually happened in history, it would have been maybe six ninjas working together against a whole shipful of pirates, because, as mentioned above, the ninjas are fairly solitary, aside from at their base.

-Pirates have home turf; their ship. Since ninjas are constantly traveling, it would be the ninjas attacking the pirates on the ship, not the pirates attacking the ninjas. Thus, the Pirates have the advantage of a familiar place.

-Pirates wear fancy clothes with lots of funky layers. Ninja stars wouldn't hurt them that much through the clothes.

-Pirates have guns. Ninjas don't. Simple as that.

-The aforementioned ritual suicide. If it looks like the ninjas are going to dishonor themselves, they'll take out their swords and kil themselves.

-Cannons. Need I say more?

-The only pirates that ninjas would have come into contact with would be the oriental pirates, who formed vast navies of a hundred or more ships, and with thousands of lackeys who would gladly fight to the death.

So there.